Andreea Birou

Facing our money hurts

Andreea Birou — Thu, 25 Apr 2024 13:35:54 +0000

Facing our money hurts. Oh, my God, it hurts so much!

We can feel physical pain, frustration, and disgust when we need to say our numbers out loud, identify and track our expenses, see the balances on our bank statements or the due taxes on the tax statements, check the unpaid invoices or even the overdue ones. It hurts, it’s not a lie, it’s not an overstatement.

Most of the time, we don’t know our expenses. We have a general clue on our expenses and how they are covered or not really by our revenues, but that’s it. Somehow, we manage to get going with this approach every month, year after year.

At some point, we may be motivated to start a budget and track our expenses. Some financial advisers, money gurus, or even friends or people we follow on social media have said this is important, so we could at least try it, right?

And with all the motivation ahead, feeling like starting a new gym membership, we do this for a month or two. And then, just like it happens with sports or diets, we lose the motivation, we are fed up with the effort and frustration we have to deal with every time we check our numbers, and we choose to change the focus on some other matters that perhaps are more important, leaving all this behind.

In the end, we’ve made it so far, right?

We didn’t end up hungry, outside, on the street. So, we can go on as we are used to. It wasn’t that bad. But it wasn’t good either.

Tracking our expenses is often like choosing to get hit over and over again by a huge sea wave and swallowing bitter and salted water each time the wave hits. At some point, you get nausea.

So why would we do it anyway?

Nobody wants to provoke pain or suffering in themselves, right? Unless we are masochists. Or are we masochists with our money?

Believe it or not, we kind of are.

It’s like that story with the man who had a splinter in his hand. The pain from the splinter bothered him greatly, so he looked for a doctor to have it removed. The doctor examined the man’s hand and confirmed that the splinter could be easily removed with a pair of tweezers. However, when the doctor attempted to remove the splinter, the man cried out in pain and withdrew his hand.

Despite the doctor’s reassurances that the momentary pain of removing the splinter would lead to long-term relief, the man refused to allow the doctor to proceed. He preferred to endure the ongoing pain of the splinter in his hand rather than experience the temporary discomfort of having it removed.

So, we tend to prefer accommodating with the usual, “normal” and (I know it sounds crazy!), but comfortable pain each day, each month, each year, rather than facing one temporary intense discomfort that will ultimately lead us to long-term financial freedom and control over our money.

Yes, in the depths of our financial challenges, there’s a huge discomfort that many of us know all too well. It’s the sting of confronting our money realities, the ache of acknowledging our debts, expenses, and financial uncertainties.

But if we feel we want to experience something else, something better for ourselves and our dear ones in this life, we need to face our financial discomforts head-on. Yes, it’s daunting. Yes, it’s uncomfortable. But beneath the surface of that discomfort lies the hope of financial freedom.

Would you imagine yourself not haunted by your financial worries every day, making your decisions with confidence and clarity, unchained by debts and uncertainty? Would that be even possible for you?

It won’t be easy. Nothing worth having ever is. But with each small step forward, each money saved, each expense tracked, you’re inching closer to that vision of financial freedom and control over your money.

So, take a deep breath, summon your courage, and face your money head-on. Embrace the discomfort, knowing that on the other side lies a more prosperous future that is also possible for you. You owe it to yourself to break free from the cycle of complacency and take control of your financial future. The journey won’t be painless, but the rewards are more than worth it.

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The more you stubbornly chase something, the harder it gets

Andreea Birou — Wed, 27 Mar 2024 14:03:28 +0000

Today, during breakfast, my teenage daughter said to me:

“The more you stubbornly chase something, the harder it gets.”

It really resonated with me (not to mention I was proud of her teenage wisdom ).

Does the same principle apply to our finances? Yes, it does.

The more we struggle to save or make ends meet, the more it feels like money slips through our fingers. It’s like money has a mind of its own, slipping away when we try to hold onto it. It has a talent for disappearing when we need it the most.

It is true, though. It’s like wanting a life partner so badly that you end up suffocating them. The more you cling, the more they feel the need for space. It’s a lot like how wanting money desperately can sometimes make it slip through your fingers even faster. It seems unfair because you need it so much.

What often happens is that we may find ourselves in a cycle of scarcity, where fear of not having enough drives us to grasp tightly onto every penny. Paradoxically, this scarcity mindset often leads to impulsive spending, reckless financial decisions, and an overall sense of insecurity about money all the time. Does fear or scarcity actually help us increase our income or save more money? No, it just exhausts us.

Finding a balance between desire and detachment is like walking a tightrope. On one hand, desire fuels motivation and keeps us focused on our aspirations. On the other hand, detachment is about letting go of the need to control every financial outcome.

The key is not to let our desires consume us or our fears control us.

Avoiding Obsession

When we become too attached to our desires, we may become obsessed with achieving them at any cost. This can lead to stress, anxiety, and even burnout as we relentlessly pursue our goals without considering the bigger picture.

️ Cultivating Resilience

Detachment isn’t about indifference, apathy, or lack of interest; it’s about resilience. It means we can bounce back from tough times, stay focused on our goals, and keep going even when things get rough. We learn to adapt to changing circumstances without losing sight of our long-term objectives.

Every day, we forget that life isn’t just about getting to the finish line; it’s about enjoying the ride. Balancing desire and detachment lets us appreciate all the cool stuff that happens along the way, not just the end result.

When we’re not freaking out about getting what we stubbornly want without seeing the bigger picture, we feel a deep sense of calm inside. We’re not stressed about the future because we’re happy with where we are right now and we have this inner confidence (not delusion) that we can manage any situation.

If you want to read more about the fear of money, you can check this blog post.

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How has our relationship with money changed over the years?

Andreea Birou — Mon, 18 Mar 2024 14:36:39 +0000

Have you ever considered how our relationship with money has evolved over time?

This question has been on my mind since the publication of my recent article in Revista Psychologies, which sparked intriguing conversations, even within my own family.

My Mom

My mother, now in her 60s, shared with me how the perspective on money has shifted significantly compared to her youth. Back then, money was often viewed as something to be earned through hard work, to be handled with extreme caution because the money gets the worst out of you, and to be seen as a matter of luck and fate.

My Daughter

My 13-year-old daughter expressed a different outlook. She sees money as a tool to enjoy life, enabling her to pursue experiences, acquire desired things, and support loved ones. On the other hand, not having money produces stress and fear, and makes you extra cautious and mindful when handling money.

And she told me that money is not so hard to get after all. There are plenty of opportunities out there, you just need to think them through and dare to want them.

Reflecting on these conversations, I realized how our attitudes toward money have evolved over the years, shaped by societal changes, technological advancements, economic shifts, and personal experiences.

Relationship with money – Timeline

Here’s a brief overview of the milestones that have influenced our relationship with money:

Barter System to Currency: In ancient times, people used the barter system, exchanging goods and services directly. Then, the invention of currency transformed the way transactions were made, enabling more efficient trade and economic growth.

From Cash to Digital: With technological advancements, the use of physical cash has declined in favor of digital transactions. Credit cards, online banking, and mobile payment apps have made it easier for us to manage and access money remotely.

Shift in Saving and Spending Habits: Economic conditions and cultural shifts have influenced saving and spending habits. In times of economic prosperity, there tends to be more spending and less saving, while economic downturns often lead to increased saving and reduced spending.

Rise of Consumerism: The 20th century saw the rise of consumerism, fueled by advertising and marketing campaigns. People began to define their status and identity through material possessions, leading to increased consumption and debt.

Financial Education and Awareness: There’s been a growing emphasis on financial education and awareness in recent years. People are seeking knowledge about budgeting, investing, and managing debt to make informed financial decisions and secure their future.

Focus on Financial Well-being: Beyond just accumulating wealth, there’s a greater focus on overall financial well-being, including aspects like financial security, stability, and happiness. People are recognizing the importance of aligning their financial goals with their values and priorities.

Impact of Globalization: Globalization has interconnected economies and markets worldwide, with a direct impact on how we can earn, spend, and invest money. It has also led to increased competition and opportunities in the global marketplace.

After considering this, can we really be surprised that my mom, my daughter, and I each have different perspectives, attitudes, and emotions toward money?

Our relationship with money has been shaped by our unique experiences and the economic climates we’ve lived through.

Our parents and grandparents witnessed economic prosperity but also endured economic downturns. Some lived through the era of consumerism, where spending was glorified as a symbol of power and status. However, this often led to so much debt and financial stress, which became increasingly difficult to manage and overcome.

Today, there’s a growing effort to restore peace in our relationship with money. People are realizing more and more the importance of financial literacy and well-being while finding joy in their financial lives. It is not an easy task; it involves unraveling deeply ingrained behavioral, spiritual, and emotional patterns. Making stability and freedom a priority becomes essential, all while staying true to ourselves.

Each generation has its own story, habits, and lessons to impart to the next.

What valuable lessons and stories do you have about money that you want to pass on to future generations?

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Why do your finances scare you?

Andreea Birou — Thu, 14 Mar 2024 15:19:36 +0000

“I am afraid to look at my numbers because I’m terrified of what I might discover.”
said a good friend of mine not without frustration about how the financial numbers make her feel.

Ever felt that knot in your stomach when it’s time to face your financial numbers?

Guess what? This fear of financial reckoning isn’t unique to my friend.

Feeling nervous and uncomfortable around numbers when, for instance, we need to check our past revenues and expenses or forecast for the future is not uncommon at all. It’s a shared experience that transcends financial status. No matter where we stand financially, at some point in our lives we get to experience this feeling in various forms.

So where does this fear come from?

Somebody even told me: “I used to be so good in Math, so why do I experience this nausea around my financial numbers and why do I feel like running as far as possible from them?”

Well, your financial matters are more than just mere Math problems. They are a reflection of your emotions, feelings, hopes, dreams, and ambitions. So, you’re not just solving equations here. You are confronting your emotions, building resilience, and cultivating a profound understanding of yourself and your aspirations, your goals. Each number represents a story, a choice, or even an opportunity to shape your financial future.

The fear of facing financial numbers originates from and, at the same time, manifests in 2 directions:
– The guilt for your past actions and decisions
– The worry for your future

The guilt of past mistakes

It may occur when:

– reviewing your monthly or yearly expenses,
– checking your bank accounts
– tracking your business’s profitability or other KPIs,
– assessing long-term assets buying & use, or
– reflecting on your financial decisions.

It creates your own money story of how well you dealt with money in the past and shapes your current financial situation up to this moment.

You, probably like all of us, have your own expectations for where you should be in life. Looking at your numbers comes with the anxiety that they might be worse than you think they should be at this particular stage of your life.

Seeing the numbers, and acknowledging them would be like a confirmation that you’ve done “good” or “bad”, that you are “worthy” or…” less worthy”. What actually happens when you do this is that you are confusing your net worth with your self-worth.

You evaluate your self-value and success solely based on the amount of money you’ve earned so far.
In fact, looking at your financial numbers is like taking a quick picture of where things stand now. It shows what happened in the past, but things don’t stand still. Things change compared to the picture and you can do the same with your financial future.

Remember, you’re the driver of your life, not your money, not your past financial actions.

Often, you might believe that by ignoring your financial numbers, you can escape confronting what you suspect is your financial situation. It’s scary to think you might be seen as irresponsible, naive, or out of control with money, qualities that don’t quite align with being a responsible and successful person. So, you avoid opening bills, checking bank statements, or even creating a budget.

Ignorance is bliss, right? Out of sight, out of mind, you might think. But then why do you still feel miserable?

Knowing where you truly stand financially allows you to understand your situation, accept it, and look for better ways to manage your money in the future. Not knowing will only allow you to persist in your own patterns and keep you away from where you can truly be.

“Ten years from now, you will surely arrive. The question is: Where?” (Tony Robbins)

The worry for the future

It spins around thoughts like:

– What if I never achieve the wealth, status, or aspirations I desire?
– What if my funds run dry, leaving me unable to cover essential expenses?
– What if I get kicked out of my house due to financial struggles?
– What if I’m forever unable to afford the things I desire?
– What if creating a budget only restricts me and my aspirations?
– What if make the wrong decisions?
– Who will I become if my financial situation doesn’t improve?

The worry for the future is an uncomfortable feeling about whether or not there will be enough money sometime in the future. You may worry about job security, market fluctuations, unpredictability of revenues, low or nonexistent savings funds, unexpected expenses, being overwhelmed by debt payments that can be paralyzing, not being able to afford healthcare expenses or to retire comfortably.

No matter which one it is or how many of them, this constant worry makes you feel powerless, insecure, and unable to focus on the present moment. It can also take a toll on your relationships, affecting your ability to connect with others and find joy in everyday life. Finally, it can lead to feelings of hopelessness and despair, and it makes it so difficult for you to see a way forward or envision a brighter future.

So, the guilt of the past and the worry for the future may keep us away from not only discovering our true financial situation but also from the possibility of re-writing our money story and re-shaping our financial future.

So, do you see your finances as just an easy Math equation, or are they more like a wild goose chase, a game of hide-and-seek, or perhaps even a rollercoaster ride?

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The Silent Saboteur

Andreea Birou — Wed, 16 Aug 2023 12:33:20 +0000

One of the topics that was mostly brought up lately (usually not directly) during coaching sessions is the fear of money.

It’s a huge topic and the reason I’m writing about it is that I resonated a lot with it during different stages.

All my life I have worked with, or around money. There were times when I didn’t even get to touch the money, but only analyzed and adjusted the financials – the budgets, the balance sheets, the profit and loss accounts, and the cashflows.

Then there were times when I didn’t touch the money, but the bank accounts and the cashflows were under my planning and approval.

And then there were times when money went through my physical counting and those were the scariest ones.

As an example, I remember one day during my work as a CFO for a medical company, all the staff in the reception was out of the office for a holiday or for other reasons I don’t remember now and I chose to replace them.

I was terrified about collecting the money from the patients and making sure that at the end of the day, I had the right amount corresponding to the cash machine and the reports. And just to make myself clear, I was the one who created the cash procedures for the people in the reception, I knew every little step they had to do from the moment the patient came in till the moment they had to close the day and submit the reports to me. So, I knew exactly what I had to do and how things should be done. Still, I was terrified.

Then I remember when I was a kid, my mum used to work as a store manager for a large food company, and quite often my dad and I used to pick her up from work. Every time we went, she was literally covered in cash collected from sales that she had to count and then prepare the inventory check.

I used to help her organize the money by category and count them so she could finish faster. I realized I got used to doing all that work, but I was so scared that I might have errors during counting and the inventory check would come out incorrect. And this would have caused serious problems for my mum. It never happened, still, the fear was there. And that fear did not go away, it just transformed over time, with specific consequences over my financial decisions.

The reason I’m sharing these stories is to highlight the significance of acknowledging the fear of money and working with it, as its impact might be unforeseen, might affect different areas of our lives and thus it might be difficult to mitigate.

But what is the fear of money?

The fear of money is informally known as chrometophobia or chrematophobia and addressed by several psychologists, authors, and researchers. Although the term might not have been extensively documented in technical literature, however, the term is now recognized and used in the medical and psychological fields to describe the fear or phobia of money.

The fear of money is a psychological condition characterized by an irrational or excessive fear of money, wealth, or financial success. People with chrometophobia may experience anxiety, panic attacks, or avoidance behaviors related to handling or talking about money.

This fear of money can be caused by various factors, such as:

cultural or family beliefs about money,
traumatic experiences related to finances, or
underlying psychological or emotional conditions.

In some cases, individuals with chrometophobia may fear that having money will change them or that it will lead to negative consequences such as being a target for theft or exploitation.

People who have a fear of money may experience a range of emotions and behaviors related to money and financial success:

Anxiety or panic attacks related to handling or talking about money
Fear of becoming wealthy or successful (most of the time accompanied by self-worthiness issues)
Fear of losing money or going into debt
Avoidance of financial responsibilities or conversations
Obsessive thoughts or worry about money
Guilt or shame associated with having or not having money
Difficulty making financial decisions or taking risks related to money
Low self-esteem or feelings of inadequacy related to financial status

These feelings and experiences can vary in intensity and may interfere with a person’s ability to manage their finances effectively or pursue financial opportunities.

What are usually the underlying causes of chrometophobia?

The most common factors that may contribute to the development of this fear are:

Childhood experiences

A person’s upbringing and early experiences with money can shape their attitudes and beliefs about it. Negative experiences, such as growing up in poverty or witnessing financial struggles, can lead to a fear of money.

Trauma

Traumatic events related to money, such as losing a job, going bankrupt, or being scammed, can lead to a fear of similar experiences happening again.

Cultural beliefs

Cultural or religious beliefs about money can play a role in the development of chrometophobia. For example, some cultures may view wealth as a negative thing, leading to a fear of becoming wealthy.

Anxiety disorders

People with anxiety disorders such as generalized anxiety disorder or obsessive-compulsive disorder may experience a fear of money as part of their symptoms.

Personal values

A person’s values and beliefs about money, such as a desire to live a simple life or a fear of materialism, can lead to a fear of money and wealth.

Lack of financial education

People who lack knowledge and understanding of financial concepts may feel overwhelmed and anxious about money, leading to a fear of it.

How can we mitigate the fear of money?

Overcoming the fear of money is a process that takes time and effort. By taking small steps and seeking help when needed, we can build the confidence and skills necessary to manage finances with ease.

Here are some important steps to take to mitigate the fear of money:

1. Identify the root cause of the fear

It could be a past negative experience with money or a belief system that has been instilled in us. Once we understand where our fear is coming from, it becomes easier to address it.

2. Educate ourselves about money

Learn about personal finance, investing, and budgeting. The more knowledge we have, the more comfortable we will be with money.

3. Seek professional help

A financial advisor, coach, or therapist can help us work through our fears and develop a plan to manage our finances.

4. Start small

We could begin with small financial tasks, such as creating a budget or setting up automatic savings. As we gain confidence, we can take on bigger financial responsibilities.

5. Work on achieving a new financial mindset

Instead of viewing money as a source of stress, we could get to see it as a tool that can help us achieve our goals and live the life we want.

6. Practice gratitude

Focusing on what we have instead of what we lack can help shift our mindset from one of scarcity to one of abundance.

What other additional strategies can help us overcome the fear of money?

1. Challenge our beliefs

We need to take some time to reflect on our beliefs about money. Are they serving us or limiting us? It’s important to identify any limiting beliefs we may have about money and challenge them by asking ourselves questions such as “Is this belief true?” and “Is there evidence to support this belief?”

2. Practice mindfulness

Mindfulness meditation can be a powerful tool for overcoming fear and anxiety. By focusing on the present moment and observing our thoughts and emotions without judgment, we can become more aware of our fears and learn to manage them more effectively.

3. Set financial goals

Setting clear financial goals can give us a sense of purpose and direction. When we have a specific goal in mind, we are more likely to take action and overcome our fears.

4. Surround ourselves with positive influences

Surrounding ourselves with people who have a healthy relationship with money can help us shift our mindset and overcome our fears. We could seek out mentors, coaches, or supportive friends who can encourage and guide us on our financial journey.

5. Take action

The more we take action and face our fears, the more confidence we will gain. We may start by tackling small financial tasks and gradually work our way up to bigger challenges.

6. Practice self-compassion

We need to remember that overcoming the fear of money is a process and it’s okay to make mistakes along the way. Let’s be kind to ourselves and celebrate our successes, no matter how small they may be.

7. Seek professional help

If our fear of money is significantly impacting our lives, we might consider seeking help from a financial advisor, coach, or therapist who can provide us with guidance and support.

So, if we’re struggling with a fear of money, it’s useful to know that we’re not alone and not the only ones. And there are steps we can take to overcome this fear and build a positive relationship with our finances. By trying out different strategies and finding what works for us, we can start feeling more confident and in control of our money.

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